My day at the Manchester Literature Festival in bullet points

Had a blast at the Manchester Literature Festival, even if getting there was hell. Here’s my report.

• Naomi and the boys give me a lift to the train station.
• There are men in luminous jackets all over the tracks.
• This station is closed today. Eeek.
• Naomi and the boys come back, drive me the first 20-min leg of my journey.
• Discover that my second train will now arrive AFTER my third train to Manchester has already left.
• Get back in the car. Naomi and the boys drive me an hour to Peterborough Station.
• Just as we pull into the station, my 11-year-old vomits in the back of the car.
• He vomits a spectacular amount.
• All over himself and Naomi’s v expensive leather bag.
• He practically fills the footwell.
• I have four minutes till my train leaves. Naomi says Go! Go! Don’t be stupid, go!
• She gets paper towels from Starbucks and I leave her with this revolting task.
• Call Naomi from train later. She’s home and my 11-year-old is tucked in bed.
• Katie from Comma Press meets me at Manchester Piccadilly, takes me to my hotel.
• Dump bags.
• Reassured to see my pillows are labelled as ‘soft’ and ‘firm’.
• We get a taxi to the Cornerhouse, meet Guy Ware, his wife Sophie, and their children.
• Jim from Comma Press recommends the mushrooms on toast.
• We all order mushrooms on toast.
• Mushrooms on toast are dynamite. A rich creamy sauce, goat’s cheese. Could eat it again now.
• We walk to the Anthony Burgess Foundation.
• Posters everywhere for the 50th anniversary of A Clockwork Orange.
• Thrilled to see familiar faces in the audience: Ailsa Cox, Tim Power and their dog George, Elizabeth Baines and husband John, and Craig Wallwork.
• Guy reads first – his story contains an image of rotten chickens being fired into a walled encampment, which still haunts me.
• I read my story An Industrial Evolution. It has orangutans in it.
• Jim and the audience ask questions, some of which I’m able to answer coherently.
• I tell everyone about transgenic cows with human immune systems. Which are real.
• Sign books, then decamp to nearby pub.
• Establish that George the dog is welcome.
• Guinness. Talking books. Lit gossip. x 4
• Console Jim, who was recently snubbed by one of his literary heroes.
• Hungry. Jim recommends an Armenian place.
• A multi-mezze feast with Elizabeth and John.
• Armenian is a lot like Turkish.
• Will never find the hotel unaided. Relieved that E & J offer to escort me back.
• The maps on my and Elizabeth’s iPhones seem to say we’re in different parts of Manchester.
• Oh, there’s the hotel. Right where I left it.
• Call Naomi, tea in bed, Family Guy on the telly.